mental slowdown

I never really meant for this to be a personal discovery blog, but alas, I fear it has become so. I should have known this would happen- afterall, I simply write my thoughts out, providing a permanent record to prove how messed up I can be. Aside from that, a few moments this past week have provided me with clarity and an odd sense of release. Maybe it was me just actually sitting in mental silence to listen to the birds sing, or just focus intently on sewing, watching the rainfall, and drinking a cup of coffee with creamer. These are all normal, day-to-day activities, but unlike recently, I was never truly "present."It was as if recordings of the same tape played over and over in the back of my head. "Was I doing the task right? How could I do this better? Does any of this even matter? Why should I? What is the point?" Over and over in different variations and intonations until finally, I mentally told myself to shut up and just enjoy the fluid movement of whatever task lay before me. Let life unfold organically instead of trying to take a mental crow bar and rake it open.
I realized these doubts, masking small fear, have kept me from enjoying life lately. Enjoying anything really- leaving me despondent and listless. Perhaps it's my addiction to world events that trigger such thoughts. Sometimes, such knowledge provides a constant reminder of the darkness everywhere, and can be thought-engulfing. Though, I realize, it seems like the only way to fight such darkness is to "be," just be and not over think things. Such news can render one immobile and helpless with dread and regret, but I think at this point, there is nothing to be done with the world except enjoy the family, friends, and small pleasures given to us by God. Here, I think, Boomer will be my best teacher.