People. I really struggle with people. I don't mean to, but I always have. I am a certified introvert with a class A license in small talk- and that's about it. It's not that I don't like people- I really do. I love hearing everyone's story and learning things from them. People are fun to observe and provide hours of endless entertainment as well. People are fine- until they try to get close to me. I don't like it when people try to get to close to me, and believe me, it's not their fault either. I have this invisible force field that protects me and my space. See, I really love my alone time- I've adapted to it, and I simply love just hanging out in my brain. I try to justify my "aloneness" as a case of Thoreauism.
I don't mind hanging out in groups- in fact, I prefer that! It takes a lot of pressure and anxiety off of the quiet one. It took me FOREVER to feel comfortable having one-on-one time with Josh- and when we do, it's a mutual understanding of quiet. We both read, surf the net, watch movies, and occasionally talk. If I feel safe in a group situation, I'll pop out of my shell and blabber on about nothing for hours. That's why it is so nice to be married to a person who is completely comfortable talking to anyone- he always opens the door for me. Understand now that I'm not self conscious about talking to complete strangers- I just naturally listen. I listen to everyone and anything, just don't expect me to say much.
Perhaps that's why I don't feel comfortable getting close to people. I fear they would never understand that I really do just enjoy silent time together with occasional, really in depth conversations. And, let's be honest here, every time I let someone get close to me throughout my adolescence, I got hurt, sometimes really badly. Same goes for the sister. There is also the issue of upkeep. Upkeep terrifies me about women- perhaps that's why my closest and longest friends were always guys. You don't have to spend 40 hours a week with your guy friends to keep the relationship alive. If you want to talk, the listen- just don't expect shopping trip talks. Get used to guns and video games! There is no expectation from either party, just friendship. Honestly, my most treasured memories of high school was my Star Wars conversations with a kid named Alex, and my air soft marathon wars where the only conversation was mock orders being shouted. Awesome. This I love, because for me with women, and the "woman code," I feel like to be friends we are expected to be buddy-buddy all the time. No me gusta. I like my space, refer above.
In truth, I miss my group hang outs with my high school friends. I miss the sleep overs and the camaraderie. There was only one girl I spent a lot of one on one time with, but that faded after high school quickly. It saddens me, yes, and I do long for a close group of girlfriends again. But, there is always my lazy issue of upkeep. Or maybe, at the root of it all, I'm scared of women. Is that possible?*sigh* Maybe that's why I'm so attached to Boomer. He's there, he's a warm body; he's perfectly fine sleeping on my lap while I write this; he loves to go on walks; cuddle; ready to listen; and I know he won't hurt me. Hmmm, I wish more people were like dogs....
I don't mind hanging out in groups- in fact, I prefer that! It takes a lot of pressure and anxiety off of the quiet one. It took me FOREVER to feel comfortable having one-on-one time with Josh- and when we do, it's a mutual understanding of quiet. We both read, surf the net, watch movies, and occasionally talk. If I feel safe in a group situation, I'll pop out of my shell and blabber on about nothing for hours. That's why it is so nice to be married to a person who is completely comfortable talking to anyone- he always opens the door for me. Understand now that I'm not self conscious about talking to complete strangers- I just naturally listen. I listen to everyone and anything, just don't expect me to say much.
Perhaps that's why I don't feel comfortable getting close to people. I fear they would never understand that I really do just enjoy silent time together with occasional, really in depth conversations. And, let's be honest here, every time I let someone get close to me throughout my adolescence, I got hurt, sometimes really badly. Same goes for the sister. There is also the issue of upkeep. Upkeep terrifies me about women- perhaps that's why my closest and longest friends were always guys. You don't have to spend 40 hours a week with your guy friends to keep the relationship alive. If you want to talk, the listen- just don't expect shopping trip talks. Get used to guns and video games! There is no expectation from either party, just friendship. Honestly, my most treasured memories of high school was my Star Wars conversations with a kid named Alex, and my air soft marathon wars where the only conversation was mock orders being shouted. Awesome. This I love, because for me with women, and the "woman code," I feel like to be friends we are expected to be buddy-buddy all the time. No me gusta. I like my space, refer above.
In truth, I miss my group hang outs with my high school friends. I miss the sleep overs and the camaraderie. There was only one girl I spent a lot of one on one time with, but that faded after high school quickly. It saddens me, yes, and I do long for a close group of girlfriends again. But, there is always my lazy issue of upkeep. Or maybe, at the root of it all, I'm scared of women. Is that possible?*sigh* Maybe that's why I'm so attached to Boomer. He's there, he's a warm body; he's perfectly fine sleeping on my lap while I write this; he loves to go on walks; cuddle; ready to listen; and I know he won't hurt me. Hmmm, I wish more people were like dogs....
I can't say I'm happy to be back. The blooms are beautiful, it's sunny today, but I'm still in some funky transitional period where no place really feels like home. Don't get me wrong (again) I do like it here, and I love how much alone time I get, but safety is another issue. A young girl got stabbed to death a mile from my house. Don't think they caught the guy either.
I had a really good time in CDA, aside from the two day long, vomit inducing migraine. Eeesh. Yet, I still feel guilty about the trip. I feel like I didn't do anything right, I was sick, I could have been more patient, I could have enjoyed myself more, I could have been more understanding, etc, etc. I am ashamed to say that my thoughts of returning really got to me. It morphed into a psuedo depression causing me to neither want to see people nor do anything. Productive, I know. I just really hope I didn't hurt anybody in the process.
I think my favorite day home was Saturday- prom day. Josh, Brynda and I went out for dinner, decked out in our finest. Josh and I were celebrating five months... two days late. He looked so handsome! I really can't believe we've been married for five months now. How much we have grown.
Brynda also looked fabulous, as did her venue, and the food table (compliments of my two hundred some cupcakes and mom's secret cookie recipe :P). I pretty much devoured the whole fruit plate and enjoyed some awesome conversation with teachers I haven't spoken to in ages.
I had the chance to reconnect with my art teacher. I was really grateful for this because I was terrified she wouldn't be happy to see me. I don't feel like I left on the best terms with a lot of people- her included. Someday I'll comment on my downhill spiral when Josh left for basic, my nervous breakdown, eating disorder, and extreme introversion. I was selfish. But that's for a later post. In short, I avoided a lot of people and then disappeared one day. I still feel pretty guilty.
Boomer also had a ton of fun. He had four meals a day, ran like mad, lost a couple of teeth, and came home looking like a sausage. Well, that's all for now. I'm sure I will post more later.
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