Twilight walk

Last night I was feeling pretty down on myself. I interviewed for a nanny position and was all hyped up and excited for the opportunity UNTIL I met the mom and child. Then all of the sudden I got all awkward. Thoughts such as "What the heck are you doing?" and "Good grief, you don't even want kids!" kept interrupting my flow of speech. After rambling on about myself for twenty minutes, I had mentally talked myself out of the position. I'm not sure what possessed me to apply for it in the first place!One, I'm afraid of children. Two, I  have very little patience. Three, well, I just don't feel at ease around children! I'm so much  of an introvert and I give off a very serious vibe. On the way home, I asked Josh what he thought of when he thought of a nanny. His best idea was a bubbly, air-headed teen girl that didn't have a very well developed vocabulary. Not. Me. On top of that, the child was an only child, spoiled with attention and new age disciplinary routines that I just don't think I could handle.
So, why did I even bother in the first place? Well, to be terribly honest, I feel like a leech and I want to help out with the finances. By pass the fact that I'm responsible for a clean house, all three meals, a puppy, and my husband's happiness. I have this insatiable, selfish drive to make tons of money, even though I know I won't spend an ounce of it. Growing up, I always felt like I was the one responsible for a four year university, finding the cure to cancer (oh wait, it's healthy diet with no processed foods and toxins, exercise, sleep, etc. Hey, I did it!), and soldiering in great "success." That drive is deeply ingrained in me even though I HATE it, and I don't want any of those things. I'd be a fool if I didn't say I was the slightest bit jealous of my sister for not only knowing what she wants career wise, but being able to "make it" in the real world. But I know that if I followed her path, I would be inexplicably miserable. And thus, I am left feeling guilty about the things I truly love (such as baking, drawing, reading, thinking, writing and being all around crafty) and my guilt manifests itself as a very unpleasant Briana to be around. My guilt, coupled with my fear of failure, keeps me from the things I absolutely love the most. The demon in my head tells me I have already failed for not living up to these perceive expectations, and therefore, I am left to mope around the house, loathing myself, and ultimately shutting down. This of course breeds more guilt as I want nothing to do with anyone or anything. Productive, no?
So, slowly but surely, I'm chipping my way out of this warped thinking. Luckily, I have a supportive husband, who much to my dismay, sugar coats nothing and a dog who forces me out of the house when I'd rather lay on the couch, unshowered, for three days. (Note, I have never actually done this, just contemplated it). In short, Josh took me on a walk to help me clear my head.

Walk?! 

Boomer of course didn't argue. His vocabulary is greatly expanding, with walk being the latest word to fall into the word bank. It sends him into double psychosis and slamming himself into the door. He has discovered the power of smell and I now have to drag him on walks.

Handsome husband.

Josh was making fun of his "rippling
shoulder muscles" and his little
prance.

"You had better come out with a water,
dad!" Boomer never ceases to make friends
when we stop at this convenience store.

Despite my poopy mood, I made it without any sweets or chocolate. But I did have six eggs that day. It was either two extra eggs or sweets. I'm a good girl.

1500 calories, 85 grams of protein (yay!) 68 g of carbs.

6 eggs

1 banana (after mass experimentation with banana, I have concluded that it hurts my stomach)

4 Tbs of peanut butter (NOT paleo and for a good reason. Ouch.)

Big bowl of veggies

My Paleo Marinara Chicken

1/2 c of butternut squash soup 

1 Tbs butter